‘Tact is not saying what you’ve thought about; rudeness is saying what you’ve not thought about.’ (Samuel Rodenhizer)

So I decided to return to live blogging this week with one of my own quotations. It’s not TOTALLY original, as it’s derived from Henry Van Dyke, an American author, educator, and clergyman. Most may not be familiar with his works, other than that he wrote the lyrics to the hymn, Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee, which is sung to the tune of Beethoven’s Ode to Joy. Van Dyke’s quotation is quite different from my version, though both emphasize the distinction between tact and its opposite. I wanted to make the expression more readable for modern times. But though the language is different, the concept has not changed.

Tact

Tact is the ability to say what is not offensive, or leave unsaid what might be. Sir Isaac Newton defined tact as, The art of making a point without making an enemy. Not bad. Of course, tact doesn’t always mean SAYING what is not offensive. Sometimes tact is the wisdom of leaving UNSAID what might offend or hurt someone. The beauty of tact is that it can be totally honest and still not offend. One of my favorite stories of this involves a church where a congregant had baked a pie for the pastor and his family and given it to him after church one Sunday. The family had finished Sunday lunch and the pie was cut with great enthusiasm and anticipation. But when each family member took a bite, they instantly got a look of excruciating pain on their faces. The pie was just awful! It was so bad that no one could eat another bite. The pastor ended up throwing the pie in the garbage can. The pastor approached the following Sunday with trepidation as he was certain the congregant would ask if he and his family had enjoyed the pie. Well, he couldn’t LIE to her. But he knew the truth would hurt her feelings. So when she asked about the pie, the pastor responded:

Thank you very much for the pie you gave us last Sunday. I can assure you that a pie like that never remains in our house very long.

That’s tact. A carefully thought out response that doesn’t offend. Of course, the pastor could have remained silent. But his silence would have been offensive. Which tells us that tact is a bit of an art form. The main way to be tactful is to THINK about what you’re about to say. Ask yourself if it’s true. If it’s kind. If it’s helpful. If it might be offensive. Only then should you speak.

Rudeness

Rudeness is the opposite of tact. And rudeness nearly always involves SPEAKING. Unlike tact, rudeness is characterized by a LACK OF THOUGHT. Rudeness is usually the result of spouting off without thinking. Often it’s a quick response to what has just been said. A good way to avoid being rude is by simply PAUSING. By not speaking too quickly. Pause. Think. Reason. Ask yourself if what you’re about to say SHOULD BE SAID. If you’re in doubt, you’re probably better off being silent. Silence rarely gets us into trouble. Speaking often does. Benjamin Franklin made the following observation more than 200 years ago.

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

As a former diplomat, Franklin understood the nature and value of tact. He understood that tact requires thinking before speaking. Here are some contrasts between tact and rudeness to consider.

• Tact requires thought—rudeness does not.
• Tact requires pausing—rudeness does not.
• Tact respects the feelings of others—rudeness does not.
• Tact will endear you to others—rudeness will not.
• Tact will open relational doors—rudeness will not. 

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