Clever and Humorous Quotations

Today I decided to do something a little different. As you probably guessed by now, I love good quotations. I especially like quotations that are both clever and humorous. These kinds of quotations are usually better just enjoyed and not analyzed. Better to just let them speak for themselves without comment. So, today, I’d like to share some of my favorite clever and humorous quotations—without comment. I hope they cause you to smile. Maybe even laugh out loud.

• Once you’ve seen your face on a bottle of salad dressing, it’s hard to take yourself seriously. (Paul Newman)

• A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body. (Anonymous)

• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering—and it’s all over much too soon. (Woody Allen)

• When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did—in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. (Bob Monkhouse)

• First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. (Steve Martin)

• If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. (Flip Wilson)

• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire? (Anonymous)

• We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true. (Robert Wilensky)

• Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. (Rod Stewart)

• When people ask me how many people work here, I say, ‘about a third of them.’ (Lisa Kennedy Montgomery)

• If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved—and never will achieve its full potential—that word would be ‘meetings.’ (Dave Barry)

• I changed my password on all my accounts to ‘incorrect.’ That way, whenever I forget it, it says, ‘Password Incorrect.’ Then I remember. (Anonymous)

• I never met anyone who didn’t have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood? (Fran Lebowitz)

• I don’t like food that’s too carefully arranged. It makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I’d buy a painting. (Andy Rooney)

• Fishing is boring unless you catch an actual fish—then it’s disgusting. (Dave Barry)

• When we, the Democrats, got into office, the thing that surprised me most was to find that things were just as bad as we’d been saying they were. (President John Kennedy)

• The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (Jean Giraudoux)

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Copyright © 2016 by Samuel Rodenhizer
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