The first thing we need to do in this quotation is deal with the 100% reference. It’s just a distraction to the useful part of the quotation. Few things in life are 100%. Few people are 100%. We all make mistakes. We’re all flawed to some degree. We’re not 100% consistent. We have lapses. Sometimes we use poor judgment. And sometimes we ARE too sensitive. It’s just not true that everyone who claims that we’re too sensitive is doing it as a means of avoiding responsibility for mistreating us. That said—many do. Probably most do. But let’s not get bogged down in the 100% reference. It’s better to say that many people who tell us we’re too sensitive have an agenda. They want to dismiss our feelings so they’re free to dismiss their responsibility. So with the 100% reference put in its place, let’s move on to discuss the rest of the quotation—which is right-on.
Some months back I quoted Louis C.K., who said, ‘When someone tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.’ This is known as dismissiveness. Dismissiveness in its most basic form means to reject. In the context of personal relationships, it means to reject another person’s feelings or opinion. It’s a form of dishonoring them. Of rejecting who they are or how they feel or what they have to say. When we feel rejected by someone, it damages our relationship with them. We all want to be treated kindly, with respect, and with validation. Relationships cannot thrive in an atmosphere of rejection and dismissiveness. Even if they survive—they will not be healthy.
One of the favorite tactics of people who dismiss is to charge the person they’ve offended with being ‘too sensitive.’ They actually believe this charge absolves them of responsibility for their actions. After all, if the person offended is too sensitive—then it’s not the offender’s fault—it’s the fault of the offended. So the offender gets a pass. And they use their pass frequently. Sometimes as a matter of course. I’ve known people who sincerely believe they never do anything wrong. Nor could they. So whenever they actually do something wrong—they conclude that it must be the other person and not them. They make the charge that someone who claims they were wronged by them is simply being too sensitive. In their view it’s not what they did to you that’s the problem. It’s your response to what they did to you that’s the problem. This is nonsense. But such a person cannot see the nonsense. They merely seek their own self-justification. You will make little if any headway with such a person. The only effective remedy is avoidance. Just stay out of their way if you can. The chances of your reasoning them into understanding is nearly zero. Just move on. Move on with regret if you have to—but move on nonetheless.
That said, we should recognize that there are times when either we or someone we’re dealing with is overly sensitive. It does happen. But we should not use the expression even if we’re certain that’s the case. We should simply interact with their concern.
- Ask why they feel the way they do.
- Ask what you did to cause that feeling.
- Try to understand why what you did or said was offensive.
- Admit your error.
- Admit that you hurt them.
- Take responsibility for the offense.
- Don’t deflect the issue by claiming that they’ve hurt you also.
- Ask their forgiveness.
- Ask how you can make it right.
But never, never tell them the reason they were hurt is because they’re too sensitive. That’s just condescending, insulting, and disrespectful. It’s dismissive. It only sets up barriers to resolution. It resolves nothing because it skirts the real issue. The real issue is what you did to them. The real issue is what they did to you. The real issue is not the response to it.
Realize when someone accuses you of being too sensitive—you’re probably dealing with someone who is going to reject responsibility for their actions. Know this up front. Don’t get into an argument about your sensitivity. Stay on topic. The topic is what they did. The topic is not your response to it. This should help. When someone doesn’t want to face up to the consequences of their actions—they will do whatever they can to divert attention away from it. By creating a diversion, they can avoid responsibility. That’s their goal. It will help you if you’re aware of this tactic before you get enmeshed in it. If not, then you’ll find yourself defending your ‘overly sensitive problem.’ Rather than making progress toward resolving the real issue.
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